What do you see in the mirror?
How do you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do feel shame to be you?
Is this the person you love to be?
Do you see a confident happy smiling woman?
Do you have an upright posture that reflects
“I am proud of being me”
Do you see sloping shoulders and a little curve of the back, a slight frown with lines with a tired stressful look?
Your own self image greatly effects how you present yourself to the world.
Where does self-image come from?
Your need to be unconditionally loved and accepted as a child.
And your childhood perception or awareness of how you view yourself to the world.
Your self love and esteem:
Your self love and esteem governs your personality and character and how you express yourself.
And your ability to manage and take charge of your life or not.
Your ability to attract and maintain healthy relationships.
And your ability to give and receive love.
Your success in life:
The successful things you achieve to build the feeling of self worthiness.
The self image we see in the mirror is created by your own mind and is so powerful that it controls your everyday life.
It controls how we react to current events, challenges and circumstances and is a reflection and creation of our current life and how we live it.
Maybe, you are holding on to past shame, guilt and negative feelings of an event or person that keeps you locked in a constant struggle of feeling unworthy and not good enough.
I was stuck like this for years.
At school from a young age, I was not good or talented at anything particular, and was a nervous timid person who was scared of everyone and everything!
Teachers told me that I was a day dreamer and needed to try harder.
So I left school with no qualifications to my name and in the eyes of my father and others, I was a waster, a looser.
Like many, I was bullied and teased by so-called wide range of friends, boyfriends and acquaintances. And told by certain members of my family that I would not be good enough at any thing, due to my so-called laziness and dreamy state, and my inability to mastering anything worthwhile
Inevitably I developed a deep seated feeling of shame and guilt that I was not good enough to be anyone particular. It felt scared and lonely.
I held on to the past like no tomorrow, believing that “I am not good enough” and roamed around like a lost sheep.
To get people to like me, I thought I had to become someone who looked successful and confident. So with every effort I developed a false character and became a people pleaser to be loved and accepted.
I copied others who I thought were successful in life, so I could be like them. I fought tirelessly to please them so I could be accepted as a worthy person.
Eventually, through determination to get myself out of the scary and lonely world I was in, I took my life in my own hands and sought ways I could change or do to develop self confidence and be who I really was.
How do you change yourself image?
Holding on to the past negative moments keeps us from being who we are meant to be, our flawless beautiful authentic self.
How do you change your self image and become a confident happy smiling woman?
First we need to aware that our self image creates our life and current circumstances.
From being aware, we can either move to taking responsibility to change things or continue to blame circumstances, events and people.
If you choose to not believe that your self image governs your life, then nothing will change and life will remain the same.
But if you choose to believe and know that your self image is the cause of your current circumstances, this then empowers you to change things.
But to change our current circumstances without being aware of current thought patterns and beliefs that could be impairing and obstructing our view of things, is a waste of time.
The mind is so powerful that we first need to clear out the negative beliefs and sabotaging patterns of habits that we embedded in our self conscious mind from our past upbringing as a child. This is mainly our history of beliefs engrained into us from our parents.
As a child we need to be loved, accepted and allowed to explore our individuality and uniqueness, but if for any reason this did not happen, we take on perceptions that we are not good enough and unworthy of love.
Your self image was shaped when you were going up and stays with you as you get older. If this was a good upbringing you are able to express yourself to world with confidence and pride.
But if there was any negative circumstances, events or people who put you down, then you take on a poor self image of yourself and feel shameful for being you.
Shame is the beast that needs to removed for you to live with confidence of being your pure beautiful unique self.
Shame makes you feel embarrassed, disgraced, inadequate, unworthy of love, not good enough, etc, etc, and causes you to judging, criticise and blame yourself for your actions.
When we feel these shameful emotions we trying to cover up our real selfs as we are shamed to reveal who we really are.
As mentioned above, shame can come from our parents who had their hearts closed and couldn’t see your true essence and disallowed you to develop your own unique personality and individuality.
But there are other ways that blame creeps into our lives.
Religious traditions: Shame can also come from religious traditions that teach you that sin exists and that you will be shamed if you act out of certain rules, obligations or beliefs of living a certain way of life.
Abuse: Shame can come from suffering abuse as a child or young adult, where the shame is transferred to you. This is an energy transfer of shame, where they put the blame on you for the event happening.
When you feel shame you think there is something wrong and defective about yourself, because they are saying there is something wrong with you.
They humiliated and disgraced you by uncovering and exposing your sinful ways and so you start to feel inadequate and develop a people pleasing attitude to avoid offending others.
You then step into the core shame and change who you really are to please them so they can love you. With this pleasing attitude you develop a modest restricted life, fearing to express the real you pride.
So what can be done? What if you have a negative past that is causing you to feel Shame?
Remove the core shame
We can only make lasting changes in our lives if we can remove the core shame that blinds us from seeing our true selfs.
Here is how to overcome it.
The only real change exists within you.
Only you can take on the responsibility to change things that will eventually remove the core shame.
Your self-image and self esteem mainly took shape when you were a child and grows up with you. It can either deteriorate or it can mature and change into being a healthy one.
Or it can be the opposite, in that you can have a strong positive self-image and good self esteem in younger years, and then as life happens you suffer negative events that cause you think less of yourself.
Today take on the challenge of developing a deep self-accepting, non-judgemental attitude towards yourself and clear out any core shame and negative beliefs that lower your self-love and esteem.
Develop a strong belief in yourself, larger enough it becomes your default program to increase your inner self love and esteem that makes you unstoppable.
You just need to know and feel deep within that you are special and unique person and that you are not your past.
You are flawless being that does not need to be changed in any way.
“Be your soft, love-filled SELF fully. Pay no mind to the
thoughts this may not be “enough”…you are perfectly ENOUGH,
just as you are. Offer your heart, receive in the hearts of
others. You are brilliant!”
~ Cari Vollmer
Start by having a compassionate viewpoint towards yourself through forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a special remedy that shifts your energy upwards. Be gentle and compassionate, and forgive yourself of all the past. And forgive the person or event that caused the shame.
Praise and acknowledge yourself everyday for every little successful positive thought that upgrades your self-image.
When you have self belief and self awareness that you can manage your past events that had a negative impact on your self-image, you can take charge of your life.
You can become a self-directing person who is in the drivers seat rather than letting others take the lead and control your life.
Step-by-step process to remove the core shame
- Write down and identify all the ways core shame manifests in your life.
Identify the shame by putting a name to the past event you are struggling with
Now ask these questions:
How did it come out in your life?
What age was I when this shameful event happened?
This is so you can connect the dots and have clarity on how it happened. Clarity leads to faith that you can change it.
- So now you have different shameful events with an age attached to them
Now ask these questions:
What were you doing at that age when you suffered your core shame and self judgement?
What happened when you experienced it?
- Next step is for each shameful event, take at each one and bring on the compassion to surround the shame. Really feel the pain of each event. And feel the emotion you felt at the time.
Take special notice where you feel it in the body and see visually where it is lodged and breath into it and release it by the breath. For me it was always in my stomach area. I always get a bloated extended stomach when I am feeling anxious, worried or afraid.
Now turn it around and show empathy towards yourself by saying to yourself. Give yourself a big hug as you say this:
“I understand, I get how painful that event was”
“You must feel low, but it’s not your fault”
“Forgive yourself and forgive the person, and let go”
“Letting go of the event will help you rise above this and overcome this feeling of pain”
Act as if you were a loving adult speaking to a child that is suffering a blow to their self-esteem.
This opens up the healing process.
By giving and showing empathy towards yourself by exposing yourself to the emotional pain, will release it.
And forgiving yourself and the other person, you can release the dark dense energy of guilt and shame.
You are transferring the shame back to the person who gave it to you, I.e., your parents or person in the event. Or you can release the shame into the universe and visualise the dark energy of shame exploding into smithereens.
Once you feel the pain and are willing to let go of it, bring on the love for yourself by saying:
“It is true, you are special and amazing. You are one unique special and beautiful being that is powerful. You have the power to live the life you choose, on your own terms.”
“You are worthy of success, love and happiness, because you only, have many unique gifts and talents to give”
This will help you love and be support yourself to make the changes you need.
One great thing you can do is replace the dark colour of shame (I think of grey and black) and replace it with a bright jolly colour you love. Attach an emotion of joy, love or energy to the colour you want to replace the shame with.
Now take time to sit quietly and dig deep within to uncover your life values.
How do you want to feel and be?
What do you want to experience in life?
Deep down inside, what is important to you?
What do you want your life to stand for?
What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person?
How do you want to be in your relationships with others?
Self-confident? Courageous? Outgoing? Generous? Passionate? Successful? Health? Fitness? Acceptance? Love? Connection? Family? Travel? … Freedom?
Decide what makes you tick, what lights your fire inside and makes you come alive.
Your life values are your guiding light that will guide over the mountains of challenges and setbacks that life will bring you.
You will be able ride the roller coaster of life with ease, once you know our life values as they will guide you right back to the life you want to live.
If you choose to take responsibility of your life and change things and clear out and let go of the past, your life will not remain the same. Once you up a level of awareness and raise your energy vibration of internal self-love, you never go back.
There may be challenging times that may weaken your inner self love and esteem, but once you know and have awareness of what is happening, you have the power to change it back and even empower you to up another level of being.
Let a real deep passion overcome you to feel love and compassion for yourself.
Increase that passion so it becomes your default way of thinking about yourself, and start to silence the voice of your internal critic by ignoring it and powering up the passion even more.
“Don’t live today as yesterday! Leave the past behind you to live life as a powerful unique beautiful woman you are meant to be”
Decide today that you are a beautiful woman and take back the power of defining you really are.
Everyday repeat to yourself “I am Beautiful” and “I love myself”
Do things that make you feel beautiful and loved inside.
Walk like you are beautiful. Look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful.”
Your Self-Esteem comes from within not externally. Have your self-esteem be based on your internal qualities rather than your external appearance.
What are the qualities that make you unique and special?
Is it your compassion, your unique creativity, your intelligence, your capacity to have fun, your wisdom, your perceptiveness, your capacity to listen to people?
Think of the people that you love in your life. You love them for who they are not for what they look like. That is how they feel about you, they love you for who you are and all of the special qualities that make up you.
Learn to value yourself for the substance of you not for the physical form that you travel around in.
Write out the internal qualities that make you and rejoice in them. Let them come to play and show off your uniqueness.
When you look into the mirror Look at Yourself Through Loving Eyes
Its hard to look at yourself in the mirror without self-judgment and focusing on your “so called” flaws and think that there is something “wrong” with your body or face.
But this is judging yourself against an unrealistic ideal that is promoted in the media or others are saying about you that are not true.
Start by looking at yourself in the mirror and see a perceived flaw (it’s all in your mind) that you would judge. Look at this flaw with love and compassion and the beauty of it. For me it’s my bottom and stomach area as I am a short person with short legs and my bottom is very muscular compared to the other parts of me.
I naturally wished for years I could be slimmer in this area. But today I treasure my body for what it is and know I cannot change it. I concentrate on looking after it with good quality food, exercise and rest and my body naturally becomes better looking in my eyes as I have given myself nurturing love. It works.
Set a clear intention to see yourself through the lens of love interrupt the self-judgment and move into being very loving with yourself.
This will be something that you need to practice before it becomes a habit but it will be well worth the effort because you will begin to feel really wonderful about yourself.
Practice Looking at yourself through Loving Eyes for 15 minutes every day for the next week and see magic happen.
Over to you.
Do you feel any shame that was triggered from the past?
If you don’t suffer from shame, what do you do to ensure you stay and feel a confident and self-assured person?